Fear....

Fear. The transcendence of either years of failure or an unnatural inner feeling that cannot be explained. Why do we fear? For most it is the thought of harm to oneself or others, either physical or emotional. The fear I am speaking about is the fear of failure.

I've always been one to believe that once you have failed at something you should pick yourself back up and try again. Easier said than done. Whether it is failure at achieving something or failure at succeeding at something, it can traumatize you into not trying again. I have failed at many things; many of us have. I will not however quit trying. To quit at life is to not see the bounty of your hard work. You cannot know true happiness if you choose to avoid failure. So what do I fear?

Water. It isn't as if the thought of a shower scares me. Don't get me wrong. I'm saying DEEP water. I think it is the thought of two things. One-I cannot swim. No idea why. I just absolutely sink like a rock. The other is the idea of drowning. Not the most idealistic way to perish is it?

Heights. Self-explanatory. Funny thing is, I can stand on an outside balcony of a 50 story building and be fine, but don't ask me to stand on the top rung of a six foot ladder! I think it is the "safety" net thing.

And my newest fear, after years of failure: Relationships. For most of my life, at least for the last five years or so, I have continued to fail at them, mostly at the hands of another. So my fear associated with this is the fear of being emotionally hurt. I think it is the idea of putting myself too far in only to be squashed like a bug by a falling piano. Is it me that causes these to fail? maybe. I get quite emotionally attached, and it shows, sadly. I've been cursed with the "gee, he's such a nice guy tag" that it comes with the additional thought "let's walk all over him." I can't say that every relationship I have ever had has not been ended by me. I've done my share. Usually, however, it is at the cost of someone who actually does care for me, and I choose to run to keep myself safe. I have a tendency to "over-analyze" every situation, either good or bad. But typically, each and every time I do continue on, in spite of "warning" signs (mainly interior thoughts), it ends with me getting the short end of the stick. So what should I do? Continue on as if nothing has ever happened? Utilize past relationships to look for failures in new ones? Be open and caring as usual, or hold myself in as long as possible? Honestly there isn't a correct course of action in this case. From now on I must focus on myself first (of course with the possible side effect of being one of those old cat ladies, minus the lady part). Wish me luck.

On a side note, I have found someone I find truly intriguing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, as usual.....