To begin with, I haven't really had a lot of time to post (and you'd be surprised by the feedback I'm getting of "hey, why haven't you posted again yet") and this is almost me just typing for the sake of typing, but I'm pretty sure I can come up with something to talk about.
I have come to the conclusion that my feelings are like a yo-yo. I just got done reading a post at startingoverat24's site (and I so tried to set up a link here-but since I'm missing out on the finer points of linking-I have failed miserably), and I came to the realization that I am by far the world's worst over-analyzer. I don't even think that's a term you can find in the dictionary (albeit it could be-I've only got to the g's as I'm reading through it ;-) ).
It could be what perpetually is the cause of the failure of every single one of the relationships that I strive to obtain. In So24's post, it's all about a debate between two guys and their relationship approaches (and I won't paraphrase here-just go read it). I am almost exactly a mixture of both Jack and Leo. I strive to be both at the same time. It's like a cloud has lifted from my eyes. I THINK TOO MUCH. Sometimes I wish I could shut my brain off!
So to make an extremely long post much shorter (and also because I am not the world's greatest writer), my failure is because instead of enjoying the moment (Jack), I think to myself either "where is this going" or "what am I doing wrong" or the perpetual "when the eff am I going to see her again" (Leo) instead of just enjoying what I have and finding other sources of entertainment. Oh and for you english teacher's out there (wink), I'm pretty sure I just typed a run-on sentence; so sue me!
That's it for now. I have way too many thoughts running through my mind, but in no way can I organize them enough right now for them to make any sense to anyone who might read this
Until next time
*oh and byccmm....the english teacher line was for you...I even went back and corrected some critical errors ;-)
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Fear....
Fear. The transcendence of either years of failure or an unnatural inner feeling that cannot be explained. Why do we fear? For most it is the thought of harm to oneself or others, either physical or emotional. The fear I am speaking about is the fear of failure.
I've always been one to believe that once you have failed at something you should pick yourself back up and try again. Easier said than done. Whether it is failure at achieving something or failure at succeeding at something, it can traumatize you into not trying again. I have failed at many things; many of us have. I will not however quit trying. To quit at life is to not see the bounty of your hard work. You cannot know true happiness if you choose to avoid failure. So what do I fear?
Water. It isn't as if the thought of a shower scares me. Don't get me wrong. I'm saying DEEP water. I think it is the thought of two things. One-I cannot swim. No idea why. I just absolutely sink like a rock. The other is the idea of drowning. Not the most idealistic way to perish is it?
Heights. Self-explanatory. Funny thing is, I can stand on an outside balcony of a 50 story building and be fine, but don't ask me to stand on the top rung of a six foot ladder! I think it is the "safety" net thing.
And my newest fear, after years of failure: Relationships. For most of my life, at least for the last five years or so, I have continued to fail at them, mostly at the hands of another. So my fear associated with this is the fear of being emotionally hurt. I think it is the idea of putting myself too far in only to be squashed like a bug by a falling piano. Is it me that causes these to fail? maybe. I get quite emotionally attached, and it shows, sadly. I've been cursed with the "gee, he's such a nice guy tag" that it comes with the additional thought "let's walk all over him." I can't say that every relationship I have ever had has not been ended by me. I've done my share. Usually, however, it is at the cost of someone who actually does care for me, and I choose to run to keep myself safe. I have a tendency to "over-analyze" every situation, either good or bad. But typically, each and every time I do continue on, in spite of "warning" signs (mainly interior thoughts), it ends with me getting the short end of the stick. So what should I do? Continue on as if nothing has ever happened? Utilize past relationships to look for failures in new ones? Be open and caring as usual, or hold myself in as long as possible? Honestly there isn't a correct course of action in this case. From now on I must focus on myself first (of course with the possible side effect of being one of those old cat ladies, minus the lady part). Wish me luck.
On a side note, I have found someone I find truly intriguing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, as usual.....
I've always been one to believe that once you have failed at something you should pick yourself back up and try again. Easier said than done. Whether it is failure at achieving something or failure at succeeding at something, it can traumatize you into not trying again. I have failed at many things; many of us have. I will not however quit trying. To quit at life is to not see the bounty of your hard work. You cannot know true happiness if you choose to avoid failure. So what do I fear?
Water. It isn't as if the thought of a shower scares me. Don't get me wrong. I'm saying DEEP water. I think it is the thought of two things. One-I cannot swim. No idea why. I just absolutely sink like a rock. The other is the idea of drowning. Not the most idealistic way to perish is it?
Heights. Self-explanatory. Funny thing is, I can stand on an outside balcony of a 50 story building and be fine, but don't ask me to stand on the top rung of a six foot ladder! I think it is the "safety" net thing.
And my newest fear, after years of failure: Relationships. For most of my life, at least for the last five years or so, I have continued to fail at them, mostly at the hands of another. So my fear associated with this is the fear of being emotionally hurt. I think it is the idea of putting myself too far in only to be squashed like a bug by a falling piano. Is it me that causes these to fail? maybe. I get quite emotionally attached, and it shows, sadly. I've been cursed with the "gee, he's such a nice guy tag" that it comes with the additional thought "let's walk all over him." I can't say that every relationship I have ever had has not been ended by me. I've done my share. Usually, however, it is at the cost of someone who actually does care for me, and I choose to run to keep myself safe. I have a tendency to "over-analyze" every situation, either good or bad. But typically, each and every time I do continue on, in spite of "warning" signs (mainly interior thoughts), it ends with me getting the short end of the stick. So what should I do? Continue on as if nothing has ever happened? Utilize past relationships to look for failures in new ones? Be open and caring as usual, or hold myself in as long as possible? Honestly there isn't a correct course of action in this case. From now on I must focus on myself first (of course with the possible side effect of being one of those old cat ladies, minus the lady part). Wish me luck.
On a side note, I have found someone I find truly intriguing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, as usual.....
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tennessee isn't all that bad....
I just returned home from a mandatory trip for work to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Immediately you might be saying, "gee, gatilinburg? well that isn't so bad-lucky you." I will tell you one thing-it was not the most enjoyable trip I've had.
First and foremost, we were supposed to fly out from St. Louis to Chicago, and then on to Knoxville, before driving into Gatlinburg. So I rolled my sleepy butt out of bed at 4:15 in the morning anticipating a quick trip down. Okay kids-can you say anticipate? Have you ever heard of worst case scenario? We arrive at the airport at around 8:30 for a 9:15 flight (traffic was horrible coming in-there was like 5 wrecks near St. Louis because of snow). The first thing we hear is, "oh, it looks like your flight is cancelled, you'll need to go to the check-in counter." Great. So we wait in line for fifteen to hear that the second half of our flight is cancelled from chicago to knoxville. To make an extremely long story short, it took us three hours, and many phone calls, to finally rent a van to drive to knoxville. For those of you who have ever driven to Gatlinburg, you do know it is back the other direction I just came. To further drive the point home, we took lunch in benton, IL at 12:45. Okay, I live 1 hour and 40 minutes from Benton and I left home at 5 a.m. Let's see, doing the math, almost 8 hours of travel to get 1 hour and 40 minutes from home. Fantastic work!
Moving on. We arrive in Gatlinburg at 11 p.m which is 12 eastern time. Everyone but two people in our cabin are already asleep, and the only place to sleep was on a couch. Fantastic number two. I proceeded to get about 3 hours of sleep because one insomniac co-worker decides to get up at 4.a.m. to make coffee and small talk with a co-worker. Great! 18 hours of travel and then 3 hours sleep. Fantastic number three!
Well the first day we had meetings that lasted all day. 8:30 until ten at night. Granted the meetings were fine (when I could keep my eyes open) and that night we had a great dinner banquet. However-I return to the cabin and my stomach starts hurting. For those who know me, once in a while I get stomach cramps. They usually pass after a couple of days. So I thought "No biggie, just a cramp, I'll sleep it off" HA! Once again on the couch-couldn't sleep at all, and at 5 a.m. mother nature informs me "that dinner wasn't any good-let's return it." Ugh. I enjoy food like everyone else, but not twice! So I missed the first half of day two's meeting, then went, in pain, and attended work until almost 9 that night. Keep in mind I'm running on six hours sleep (as I finally laid down and slept from 9-12 that morning). I'm dying here. Fantastic number four.
Thank goodness our flights back weren't cancelled. Phew. Clear skies-quick travel-home in the afternoon. I couldn't be happier.
To sum it up, however, Gatlinburg has got to be the MOST beautiful place I have been lucky enough to see. I've been to Hawaii, the east coast, Canada, Cancun, and Florida to name a few. By far, Gatlinburg is the most beautiful. I recommend you take a shot at going. So after all, Tennessee isn't all that bad....
First and foremost, we were supposed to fly out from St. Louis to Chicago, and then on to Knoxville, before driving into Gatlinburg. So I rolled my sleepy butt out of bed at 4:15 in the morning anticipating a quick trip down. Okay kids-can you say anticipate? Have you ever heard of worst case scenario? We arrive at the airport at around 8:30 for a 9:15 flight (traffic was horrible coming in-there was like 5 wrecks near St. Louis because of snow). The first thing we hear is, "oh, it looks like your flight is cancelled, you'll need to go to the check-in counter." Great. So we wait in line for fifteen to hear that the second half of our flight is cancelled from chicago to knoxville. To make an extremely long story short, it took us three hours, and many phone calls, to finally rent a van to drive to knoxville. For those of you who have ever driven to Gatlinburg, you do know it is back the other direction I just came. To further drive the point home, we took lunch in benton, IL at 12:45. Okay, I live 1 hour and 40 minutes from Benton and I left home at 5 a.m. Let's see, doing the math, almost 8 hours of travel to get 1 hour and 40 minutes from home. Fantastic work!
Moving on. We arrive in Gatlinburg at 11 p.m which is 12 eastern time. Everyone but two people in our cabin are already asleep, and the only place to sleep was on a couch. Fantastic number two. I proceeded to get about 3 hours of sleep because one insomniac co-worker decides to get up at 4.a.m. to make coffee and small talk with a co-worker. Great! 18 hours of travel and then 3 hours sleep. Fantastic number three!
Well the first day we had meetings that lasted all day. 8:30 until ten at night. Granted the meetings were fine (when I could keep my eyes open) and that night we had a great dinner banquet. However-I return to the cabin and my stomach starts hurting. For those who know me, once in a while I get stomach cramps. They usually pass after a couple of days. So I thought "No biggie, just a cramp, I'll sleep it off" HA! Once again on the couch-couldn't sleep at all, and at 5 a.m. mother nature informs me "that dinner wasn't any good-let's return it." Ugh. I enjoy food like everyone else, but not twice! So I missed the first half of day two's meeting, then went, in pain, and attended work until almost 9 that night. Keep in mind I'm running on six hours sleep (as I finally laid down and slept from 9-12 that morning). I'm dying here. Fantastic number four.
Thank goodness our flights back weren't cancelled. Phew. Clear skies-quick travel-home in the afternoon. I couldn't be happier.
To sum it up, however, Gatlinburg has got to be the MOST beautiful place I have been lucky enough to see. I've been to Hawaii, the east coast, Canada, Cancun, and Florida to name a few. By far, Gatlinburg is the most beautiful. I recommend you take a shot at going. So after all, Tennessee isn't all that bad....
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