Why we all suffer...

So I thought I'd share my opinion on why it seems everyone gets hurt in relationships.....I started writing this and thought "maybe I've written this before," but if not, now you don't have to scroll down!

* WARNING * Coarse language used (just in case there are younger readers or some bullshit. um..oops)

Ok..so here is my theory: Assholes ruin it for everyone. Follow me on this assumption. Let's take two people. A is a really nice girl. Young, sweet, naive, and has a good head on her shoulders. B is a nice guy. Really wants to find a nice girl.

So subject A, who I shall now refer to as "nice girl" to make this easier to read, is always attracted to boys who are a "challenge." The boy she can't have. The boy who treats her like shit. The asshole. The nice girl gets her heart broke. Nice girl eventually becomes " a bitch" or a girl who is scared of commitment and runs oh so far away.

Subject B, nice guy, is always attracted to girls who appear to be nice girls but are either a bitch or "runny girl". Over time, after getting dumped on numerous times, subject b, nice guy, becomes a, you guessed it, asshole.

So assholes ruin it for everyone!

How much fun is this for everyone???

I may be...I may have...I may do things..I will

I may be....one of the nicest guys you will meet.....but I have my quirks

I may be...capable of love...but I've been hurt before-and it shows

I may be....slightly obsessive...but only because I want more of what I want

I may be....kind to strangers...but it does not mean I want more friends

I may have...family...but I'm not close enough to them

I may have...a heart...but sometimes I think it is always broken

I may have...feelings...but I still lay them out for you to destroy

I may have...thoughts...but I'm willing to share them with you

I may do things...that I'm not proud of...but I won't do them again

I may do things...that drive you away...but I'm the one who will hurt

I may do things...that I try not to do...but life seems to repeat itself

I may do things....that seem strange..but it is all I know to give

I will...not let the past be a determination....of what the future will hold for me.

I will...not let these thoughts in my head.... be the end of something great

I will...not let others tell me what is wrong..... when I feel it's right

I will...give you the love you deserve....if you promise to give some back

Friend to the end

I was cleaning up my house the other day (yes, hard to believe) and came across some old photographs. They plunged me right back into my life as a child and pubescent teenager pretty quickly. They weren't photographs of prom, or pictures of me running around the house in my underwear (I'm sure they are around here somewhere), but pictures of the best friend anyone can ever have as a child. My dog.

Her name was Midget. Interesting name right? Well, my Dad always had a soft spot for animals that no one wanted (we also had a cat who was a "dumped" stray and later a golden retriever/coyote mix-totally awesome) and he brought home the tiniest cutest little animal one day when I was about six. She was the runt of the litter so we adopted the name Midget. Cute, huh?

Well I wanted to share with you two things. A few pictures of the best dog EVER. And a story about what kind of dog she was.

.

I do have pics of her as a puppy somewhere, but I think that's also the one with me in my underwear!

So Midget was by far the sweetest animal I have ever owned (or met). I mentioned earlier a cat that was stray (Smoky). Well Midget and her became best friends; in the process defeating the age old cat vs. dog standard. The cutest things I remember? Smoky used to have kittens in Midget's dog house. Midget would curl up at the door, prop her paws up on it, and watch. It was a sight to behold. I think we broke her heart when we had her spade. She would have been a great mother to some puppies. Once the kittens got older and they started coming out of the house, Midget would sleep outside on the grass and the kittens would sleep on top of her! But by far the neatest thing I remember is when we would feed the animals. We would have anywhere from 6 to 10 cats at one time (depending on litter size and if we kept any) and we fed the cats and Midget Alpo dog food. We'd empty about three cans on a pie plate and Midget would let the cats eat first then clean off what was left.

I sure do miss her (still after about 17 years)-and I hope you have enjoyed the read :-)

Chalazion (warning: medical drama)

Don't know what this is? If you don't-then that's a good thing for you. I've had a wonderful life filled with them, including numerous surgeries to get rid of em. Intrigued yet? Trust me, it isn't the greatest thing in the world.

I just had surgery, again, Friday to have two more of these bad boys removed. To keep you from having to google this wonderful word candy, I will get you in the know.

Chalazion (sha-lay-ze-on) are swollen masses that occur inside your eyelids. (commence queasiness in stomach now). This occurs when the natural oils in your pores cannot drain forcing them to swell. And yes-they are uncomfortable. Sometimes they block my vision; other times they make me look like I'm constantly crying (No I'm not sad over what you have just told me). And still other times they make me look stoned. (this may not be because of the chalazion ha ha).

Anyway-the procedure to remove these sucks. I thought about writing a wonderful descriptionary context better than "sucks", but honestly that just about fits it. First and foremost, and the most easy part, they put eye drops in to numb your eyeball. Not that they will be touching it in anyway-I think that just do it for fun. Then I proceeded to get not one...not two...but THREE SHOTS IN MY EYELID. Holy jumpin jesus juice that hurt.

(pause for dramatic effect)

But now the fun part. Ladies? You ever curl your eyelashes? You know that contraption you use that's crescent shaped? They use one of these puppies to grasp your eyelid and then clamp it back against your forehead. Now I know why they numb your eyeball, because suddenly you are reading the deepest secrets of your inner brain because its backwards (the eye not my secrets). Then just as quick as can be they "lance" the "bump" and squeeze the shit out of your eyelid to get the stuff out. The stuff I'm assuming is a collection of various colored liquids consisting of something I'd rather not think about. And all done!

The truly sad part? I'm liable to get these the remainder of my life. Some go away. Some swell to the size of peas. Hell I've had 8 surgeries so far. I'm a pro now!

So, yeah, I've been busy....

So it has been forever since I have had a chance to really sit down and write a blog; well at least a blog longer than a twitter update. I've been meaning to-I have had a few opportunites-but damn have I been busy. A few updates of what has kept me from sharing with my blogger friends.

Numero uno: I had to travel to Tennessee for two weeks for work. While exciting to go somewhere new (not that I haven't been to the state-just not that far east), it did suck the ever-loving life out of me. Grand total time of two trips in two weeks: 26 hours and almost 1900 miles. ugh. Future blog-my experience in the hotel (not what you think!)

Numero dos: I recently started back at school. Not the type where you have to attend and sit in a class with some of the strangest people you could meet in person; the online type. However, being that this might just be the hardest class I have ever taken, it has required me to fore go doing anything I'd prefer to do. Too bad it lasts until January.

Numero tres: I recently broke it off with my girlfriend of five months. Now you might think "gee Derek now you have more time to blog." While this may be true, that was part of the reason I couldn't blog. Goodbye domestication, hello blogging freedom! While she was a superb woman and had great kids, it just wasn't quite what I was looking for (One of these days I'm going to have to quit being so damn picky. Thank god I like cats)

Numero quattro: My friend Zach stayed for about a week who I haven't seen for almost a year. Yup-no way to blog if you're drunk, killing stuff on a PS3, and ignoring number 2 and number 3. Ooooops!


I'm trying-I'm really trying to make time for real life friends and still pop online and spew my true feelings out (aw how sentimental), but damn life is hard to juggle. Forgive me blogger friends! Note to self: Put blogging on calendar.....

Thanks Katie for reminding me....

So I'm sitting here in my undies thinking about Hawaii. Strange, I know (just so you know, I ALWAYS write blogs in my undies-true story). However, I recently updated my blog (slightly..) and Katie left me a msg saying she liked it :-) Thanks K!

Anyway-the update I made was with a picture I took while in Hawaii last year. I thought I just might mention some things to do and NOT do while there. I had to go for a business trip, so I was alone and I wasn't there long...so needless to say, I didn't get to do much. However-here is my list :-)

DO visit the beach. I couldn't stay there long due to working during the day. However, it is gorgeous there. Temp was around 75 all day and night and nothing beats watching the sun go down over the pacific ocean.

DO take plenty of cash! If you are like me, you like to eat. I spent 50 bucks on just a piece of chicken, rice, and a beer. Not to mention milk is like seven dollars a gallon!

DO make time to see Pearl Harbor. If it is the one and only time you visit Hawaii, you must experience the memorial to the national tragedy. VERY moving.

DO take lots of pictures. You won't regret it. Even people with no picture taking skills (like me) manage to make crappy shots look somewhat decent!

However, DO NOT plan on sleeping. With the 5 hour time difference I had, at 4:30 I was ready for bed, and by 1 am I was sitting awake in the hotel room.

DO NOT stay on Oahu-stay on Maui. The traffic is HORRIBLE at best. Drivers don't even signal....they just hang their hands out the window and say "hang loose" (Imagine me doing the hand movement now.)

DO NOT visit the week of Halloween, unless you plan on not doing 2 spots above (sleeping). They party all night (damn it I was there on business)

DO NOT go alone. How boring is it to sit in one of the most beautiful places in the world
and have no one to share it with...:-(

I will tell you that it is a very beautiful there. You must visit, at least once. Thanks for the reminder Katie!

It arrived....

So, I entered a contest of Lazyking's a while back, and lo and behold I won :-) I emailed Lazy, and he said he placed the order and I would receive it soon. AND IT IS HERE :-) You can read the contest blog here. And check out the rest of the blog. LK has it goin on :-)

And yes...I put it sideways, just so I can imagine you tilting your head to the left ;-)

Blessed

In this day and age, when it is considered normal for a man to walk out on his own child, I just wanted to take a quick moment and say that I am very lucky to have a father who has shown me the kind of man that I want to be. Through his guidance, I know the importance of being there for your children and your family. Although I have not been blessed with children of my own, I know that I will walk in my father's footsteps and be the kind of father who sets an example for others. For all those other fathers out there, happy day!

Sweat...

Notice I didn't say "sweet." There is a reason for this. I get home from work today, not bad really, it was fine, and it was 90 degrees most of the day-quite comfortable, just slightly humid. Looking forward to getting home and putting my feet up in a nice, air-conditioned house. You know the feeling: feet all sweaty from being cramped in your shoes, sweats run down your back during the day when you've had a chance to walk outside, just want to strip your clothes off and relax. Then BAM! I walk in the door and my AC quit workin-its hotter INSIDE than outside. Oh the humanity.....

Anybody close with a nice cool house???

I won...I really won

So, I never win anything....and I've been really busy not paying any attention. But holy hell, I get a comment from Lazy King (view Lazy's blog here ) saying I won a t-shirt. Double holy awesome hellaciousness. This is the coolest thing ever! :-)

And Lazy King, just so you know, I am so wearing THAT shirt out in public (unlike the footlong shirt from previous posting)

Threw me away but it's all ok

What a few of you know, and what many do not, is that last September, a month before my scheduled, planned, and anticipated wedding (as well as a fully paid for trip to Las Vegas..ugh that's another blog), my then fiance' called everything off. While this is not a "oh, I'm sorry to hear that"/sympathy that I need blog, I just figured it would lead to sharing some fantastic lyrics that remind me of where her life has led her since :-)

With respect to Theory of a Deadman (because I have changed some lyrics slightly), below are the lyrics to the song So Happy off their Scars & Souvenirs album. I had to change the lyrics, well, because it would have been from her point of view. But I think you will get the gist

(I'll do you a favor and italicize the lyrics I have added/changed)

Put the bottle down, finally got something to say
Take another look around and find someone else to play

(Needless to say) that you've got problems
(There's no fuckin way) that I'm gonna solve 'em
(It's never the same) every time you slip then you fall, down, down, down

Ever wonder what I've been thinkin' about?
I've been thinking how you threw me out

I'm so happy how 'bout you (I'm fed up, so get up and get out)
I'm so happy now we're through (I'm fed up, so get up and get out)
I was so afraid but now your gone away
you sent me packin' , look who's laughin now
I'm so happy that I feel this way
I'm so happy that you threw me away

Put your problems down and pick up what's left of the pain
Take a good look at yourself and see who's really to blame

(Needless to say) that you've got issues
(There's no fuckin way) that I'm gonna fix you
(It's never the same) ever since you had fallen down, down, down

Ever wonder what I've been thinkin about?
I've been thinkin how you threw me out

Repeat chorus


You should most definitely listen-its a great song..

N(o) B(lame) A(llowed)

So I'm watching the NBA last night on TV. Don't know if you are much of a fan. The Nuggets and Lakers, playoff basketball, and full of crybabys. It was by far the worst performance of a group of children I have ever seen. Every single time someone got called for a foul they would zoom in on the player and he'd have a look on his face of utter disbelief (i.e. "who, me?)

However, one player in particular gets away with complaining the most: Kobe Bryant. My how I wish the refs would "stand up" to his popularity with fans and tell him to shut up. What he does most players get called technical fouls for. Yes there was what looked like to be some "dirty" basketball goin on last night; however, you can't blame a ref for not seeing something that in the corner of your vision looks innocent. Grow up Kobe.

Subway Eat Fresh

So, I got a new t-shirt today. However, this isn't your ordinary T-shirt :-)

Oh the pain I had to get this (which didn't include applying for subway). Honestly, I just wanted to see if I could get the girls working there at Subway to give me something free. And after 6 weeks of "harrassing" them to give me a shirt lo and behold.....

When I think of how I got it, it makes me think of the movie "Lilo and Stitch" where the alien lets stitch go and the other alien says why'd you do that for and he replies "he's very persuasive".

Now as for wearing it....

Too smoke or not to smoke?

I do a lot of traveling for work and I like to take pics of strange things. I'm also a smoker. In this day and age it is usually pretty clear as to where you should smoke. However, ponder these two images.

Do you see my dilemna?

Trash Can mayhem

Ok. So I haven't written in a while. Call it for what it may be worth, but it isn't being lazy, just unbelievably preoccupied. However, I've been thinking about writing this for a while...

When I moved into my new home last summer, I purchased 3 brand-new spanking trash cans. Nice, durable, rubber-maid type trash cans. For some reason, I've been cursed by the trash can devil.

Not long after moving in, I come home one day to find my trash can in the street, run over. I think to myself first, "ok, so no biggie. I've got two others" (the bottom was completely caved in) and then "what sort of idiot runs over a giant trash can laying on the side of the road?" (by the way...does anyone KNOW how to throw away a trash can???)

Then we have a horrible wind storm. God in all his glory decides to play a magic trick and make trash can number two disappear. Poof. Gone. Again I think to myself "ok, no biggie. I live by myself, I can make do with one trash can". Then a few months later I find it sitting in my neighbors yard. Now you would think, "gee, just go get it." I fretted over this for a while. While the owner would know it isn't theirs, ALL the neighbors would think I was stealing his trash can-so I let it sit. I did con a friend of mine to go snatch it for me though. Back to two.

Then I'm sitting at home on vacation not too long ago, and I hear the trash guys pull up. I think to myself "I'll go get the can hear in a few minutes" I go outside, and low and behold I have another damn trash can run over, this one two blocks down the road" Ugh. Back to one.

I'm thinking I'm going to have to invest in a bright orange trash can next time....

Boom! Shake the Room!

Courtesy @aubs (aubreysabala.com), the ITunes Shuffle Meme.

Put your ITunes on Shuffle, and write down the next song that pops up as the answer to the question.

What do your friends think of you?" "Outside" Staind....hmmmm-probably when I'm smoking

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say? "Pictures" System of a Down....that's weird

How would you describe yourself? "Hunger Strike" Temple of the Dog....makes sense-I always want more of something

What do you like in a guy/girl? "The Load Out/Stay" Jackson Browne....especially the second part

How do you feel today? "Paper Jesus" Staind......weird again

What is your life’s purpose? "Pry, to" Pearl Jam....that sounds just like me

What is your motto? "Sharp Dressed Man" ZZ Top...ha ha

What do you think about very often? "So Close" Alice in Chains.....wow that's spooky

What is 2 + 2? "Roots in Stereo" P.O.D.

What do you think of your best friend? "My Michelle" GNR...too bad I don't have a friend michelle

What do you think of the person you like? "Unglued" STP....that could be true

What is your life story? "Marker in the Sand" Pearl Jam....if you listened to the song it makes sense

What do you want to be when you grow up? "Bittersweet" Fuel....like chocolate

What do you think of when you see the person you like? "Mother's Pride" George Michael...huh, weird-

What will you dance to at your wedding? "Scum of the Earth" Rob Zombie...only if I HAD got married in October!

What will they play at your funeral? "Every Rose Has it's thorns" GNR....deep

What is your hobby/interest? "Drift & Die" Puddle of Mudd......seems true

What is your biggest fear? "Once" Pearl Jam......could be

What is your biggest secret? "The Badge" Pantera...huh?

What do you think of your friends? "I Got Id" Pearl Jam....double huh?

What will you post this as? "Boom Shake the Room" D.J. Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince.....

Interesting....

ok-its been a while and I'm pissy....

I just feel like ranting about nothing that is really that important. But sometimes you just got to let it go...here are a few current things bothering me....

1-snow. ok, ok. really, it's sooooo pretty....and most of my friends can easily just "stay home" when it snows....some of us have to drive in this CRAP. I like snow just like everyone else...but only on weekends and after 6 p.m. It can pretty much magically disappear otherwise!! ;-)

2-Speaking of snow, I understand that people south of the illinois border drive like idiots when its snowing because they aren't used to it...and people north of illinois drive like idiots because they ARE used to it. But what purpose is it to have a combination of the two here? It makes no sense...

3-This last one may be a future blog. We shall see. We have come to rely on computers too much. Case in point.....I used to have service through cellular one. I ended it in approx. June. Somehow I have overpaid on my final bill and they owe me a dime. A friggin dime....and since June I have received a statement telling me that! Is there no person to say, "oh-gee, maybe we should send a check to this pour soul...we owe him ten whole cents...."....guess not. By my tabulations they have sent me enough statements to cost them 3.00. As for the future blog, I'm going to call and request they send me a check for a dime...If they refuse, I'll just explain that they can't clear it because it is legally mine, and they've already spent three bucks on me...why not just send it out anyway. Can't wait to see their reply ;-)

Enough-I'm not really that pissy....just miss the opportunity to blog...its very cleansing!

Ever feel like a yo-yo?

To begin with, I haven't really had a lot of time to post (and you'd be surprised by the feedback I'm getting of "hey, why haven't you posted again yet") and this is almost me just typing for the sake of typing, but I'm pretty sure I can come up with something to talk about.

I have come to the conclusion that my feelings are like a yo-yo. I just got done reading a post at startingoverat24's site (and I so tried to set up a link here-but since I'm missing out on the finer points of linking-I have failed miserably), and I came to the realization that I am by far the world's worst over-analyzer. I don't even think that's a term you can find in the dictionary (albeit it could be-I've only got to the g's as I'm reading through it ;-) ).

It could be what perpetually is the cause of the failure of every single one of the relationships that I strive to obtain. In So24's post, it's all about a debate between two guys and their relationship approaches (and I won't paraphrase here-just go read it). I am almost exactly a mixture of both Jack and Leo. I strive to be both at the same time. It's like a cloud has lifted from my eyes. I THINK TOO MUCH. Sometimes I wish I could shut my brain off!

So to make an extremely long post much shorter (and also because I am not the world's greatest writer), my failure is because instead of enjoying the moment (Jack), I think to myself either "where is this going" or "what am I doing wrong" or the perpetual "when the eff am I going to see her again" (Leo) instead of just enjoying what I have and finding other sources of entertainment. Oh and for you english teacher's out there (wink), I'm pretty sure I just typed a run-on sentence; so sue me!

That's it for now. I have way too many thoughts running through my mind, but in no way can I organize them enough right now for them to make any sense to anyone who might read this

Until next time

*oh and byccmm....the english teacher line was for you...I even went back and corrected some critical errors ;-)

Fear....

Fear. The transcendence of either years of failure or an unnatural inner feeling that cannot be explained. Why do we fear? For most it is the thought of harm to oneself or others, either physical or emotional. The fear I am speaking about is the fear of failure.

I've always been one to believe that once you have failed at something you should pick yourself back up and try again. Easier said than done. Whether it is failure at achieving something or failure at succeeding at something, it can traumatize you into not trying again. I have failed at many things; many of us have. I will not however quit trying. To quit at life is to not see the bounty of your hard work. You cannot know true happiness if you choose to avoid failure. So what do I fear?

Water. It isn't as if the thought of a shower scares me. Don't get me wrong. I'm saying DEEP water. I think it is the thought of two things. One-I cannot swim. No idea why. I just absolutely sink like a rock. The other is the idea of drowning. Not the most idealistic way to perish is it?

Heights. Self-explanatory. Funny thing is, I can stand on an outside balcony of a 50 story building and be fine, but don't ask me to stand on the top rung of a six foot ladder! I think it is the "safety" net thing.

And my newest fear, after years of failure: Relationships. For most of my life, at least for the last five years or so, I have continued to fail at them, mostly at the hands of another. So my fear associated with this is the fear of being emotionally hurt. I think it is the idea of putting myself too far in only to be squashed like a bug by a falling piano. Is it me that causes these to fail? maybe. I get quite emotionally attached, and it shows, sadly. I've been cursed with the "gee, he's such a nice guy tag" that it comes with the additional thought "let's walk all over him." I can't say that every relationship I have ever had has not been ended by me. I've done my share. Usually, however, it is at the cost of someone who actually does care for me, and I choose to run to keep myself safe. I have a tendency to "over-analyze" every situation, either good or bad. But typically, each and every time I do continue on, in spite of "warning" signs (mainly interior thoughts), it ends with me getting the short end of the stick. So what should I do? Continue on as if nothing has ever happened? Utilize past relationships to look for failures in new ones? Be open and caring as usual, or hold myself in as long as possible? Honestly there isn't a correct course of action in this case. From now on I must focus on myself first (of course with the possible side effect of being one of those old cat ladies, minus the lady part). Wish me luck.

On a side note, I have found someone I find truly intriguing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, as usual.....

Tennessee isn't all that bad....

I just returned home from a mandatory trip for work to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Immediately you might be saying, "gee, gatilinburg? well that isn't so bad-lucky you." I will tell you one thing-it was not the most enjoyable trip I've had.

First and foremost, we were supposed to fly out from St. Louis to Chicago, and then on to Knoxville, before driving into Gatlinburg. So I rolled my sleepy butt out of bed at 4:15 in the morning anticipating a quick trip down. Okay kids-can you say anticipate? Have you ever heard of worst case scenario? We arrive at the airport at around 8:30 for a 9:15 flight (traffic was horrible coming in-there was like 5 wrecks near St. Louis because of snow). The first thing we hear is, "oh, it looks like your flight is cancelled, you'll need to go to the check-in counter." Great. So we wait in line for fifteen to hear that the second half of our flight is cancelled from chicago to knoxville. To make an extremely long story short, it took us three hours, and many phone calls, to finally rent a van to drive to knoxville. For those of you who have ever driven to Gatlinburg, you do know it is back the other direction I just came. To further drive the point home, we took lunch in benton, IL at 12:45. Okay, I live 1 hour and 40 minutes from Benton and I left home at 5 a.m. Let's see, doing the math, almost 8 hours of travel to get 1 hour and 40 minutes from home. Fantastic work!

Moving on. We arrive in Gatlinburg at 11 p.m which is 12 eastern time. Everyone but two people in our cabin are already asleep, and the only place to sleep was on a couch. Fantastic number two. I proceeded to get about 3 hours of sleep because one insomniac co-worker decides to get up at 4.a.m. to make coffee and small talk with a co-worker. Great! 18 hours of travel and then 3 hours sleep. Fantastic number three!

Well the first day we had meetings that lasted all day. 8:30 until ten at night. Granted the meetings were fine (when I could keep my eyes open) and that night we had a great dinner banquet. However-I return to the cabin and my stomach starts hurting. For those who know me, once in a while I get stomach cramps. They usually pass after a couple of days. So I thought "No biggie, just a cramp, I'll sleep it off" HA! Once again on the couch-couldn't sleep at all, and at 5 a.m. mother nature informs me "that dinner wasn't any good-let's return it." Ugh. I enjoy food like everyone else, but not twice! So I missed the first half of day two's meeting, then went, in pain, and attended work until almost 9 that night. Keep in mind I'm running on six hours sleep (as I finally laid down and slept from 9-12 that morning). I'm dying here. Fantastic number four.

Thank goodness our flights back weren't cancelled. Phew. Clear skies-quick travel-home in the afternoon. I couldn't be happier.

To sum it up, however, Gatlinburg has got to be the MOST beautiful place I have been lucky enough to see. I've been to Hawaii, the east coast, Canada, Cancun, and Florida to name a few. By far, Gatlinburg is the most beautiful. I recommend you take a shot at going. So after all, Tennessee isn't all that bad....